Amalie Vangsgaard | The two worlds
“If you quit now, you will never ever come back.”
I remember that a lot of people told me that. I spoke to many different people about it.
I was really tired of it. I had completely lost my passion for the game. I felt everyone tried to control what I did. I played for everyone other than myself.
So, I stopped playing football.
At the beginning, I started playing football when I was three years old, because my big brother, Frederik, was playing. In Pandrup in the northern part of Jutland, where we lived, I played with the boys, until a girl team turned up. Jetsmark IF was my childhood club.
Back then I was known as: “Amalie, the football girl.”
Nine years later I went to Fortuna Hjørring. In that club I advanced from the U15 team to the 3F-team.
There I met Brian Sørensen, the coach. At that time I didn’t know what kind of influence he would have on my life.
In Fortuna I trained six times a week. As I said before I lived in Pandrup and went to school in Aalborg. After that I played football in Hjørring. So I had one hour of school every morning. One hour back home again. I could be home in 20 minutes, maybe 10, and then traveling to Hjørring to train. That meant that I was home again at 8 or 9 pm.
Actually, I was out of the house from 7 in the morning till 8 at night everyday.
In high school I couldn’t go to town with my friends, drinking coffee and shopping. Family travels, parties and birthdays.
I didn’t have time for that.
Of course I was social at training, but I felt that I missed out on a lot of the things my friends did. I got more and more distanced from them.
My friends understood it. But it was difficult to explain saying no to a beer, a glass of wine or being up late.
Sometimes I felt that I lived two lives. It was very tough. I had my football world and my little social world with my friends and family aside.
It was a daily crossroad. A choice between the two worlds.
My body was very stressed, almost like a time-bomb, ready to go off.
Luckily I had a supportive family.
My parents, Lene and Knud, always backed me up.
I think that I have come home several times saying:
“I don’t want to play football anymore!”
Often we had stressed-out conversations, because I absolutely didn’t know what I should do. Parents put up with a lot of stuff, when you are 18 or 19 years old… in the middle of an identity crisis considering quitting football.
Football has always meant everything to me. It is tough when the thing you love the most all of sudden becomes the thing you hate most of all in the world.
And it feels so terrible. It makes you sad, because it means alot to you. It feels like a defeat, but it is also to come to the realisation that you do something you do not care for.
I don’t think that people expected anything of me. It was rather my own feeling of people expecting something from me. I am very good at putting pressure on myself.
At that time I was very sad.
“Now I need to stop playing football and start finding myself”
My grandfather was my biggest fan. He was always ready and followed me. Before women's football was shown on the tv, he printed everything out. Everything that was written from Hjørrings site. Or anything where “Vangsgaard” was mentioned.
He had been sick for a long time, so maybe I played for him. I didn’t feel it as a pressure at all, but he found a lot of happiness following me on the field. It was not possible for someone to visit my grandfather without him talking about me and football.
He was a great support for me, but just before I took the decision, he died. Actually I think that was the moment I made the final decision.
Now I need to stop playing football and start finding myself.
“I was known as Amalie, the football girl. Suddenly, I was just Amalie”
After that I tried to train less. In the hope that I’d miss it and the motivation would come back.
But it didn’t help.
I made an appointment with my coach Brian in his office in the club of Fortuna Hjørring. I was nervous, but actually nothing could change my decision at that moment.
I said to him that I wanted a break.
Physically I drew a sigh of relief. What a big relief! I could feel it in my body. A relief.
He was annoyed, I remembered. But there was nothing to do.
What a chore it all was, that I had never ever been brave enough. Until now.
I was known as Amalie, the football girl. Suddenly I was just Amalie.
And who was Amalie after all?
“I didn’t miss football. Not at all”
Malaysia, Thailand, Dubai, South Africa, Tanzania, Zanzibar, Taiwan and France.
A lot of the things I had refused before, I catched up with.
Bungy Jump, river rafting, skydiving and diving.
I have always known that I wanted to travel. It was strange now having the time to do what I want.
I travelled and then worked with my friends at Fårup Sommerland, a danish amusement park. It was a time where I could go off the rails. Work and travel. Work and travel. In two and a half years.
I didn’t miss football. Not at all.
It was actually a very frightening thought that I had used so much time on something, which I all of a sudden am able to put away like: I just don’t want that anymore.
My phone went off.
I was standing in my room looking for something in my chest of drawers.
Actually I remember it very clearly. The month of December. I had moved to Copenhagen in the summer and lived in an apartment in Sølvgade.
It was Brian calling.
I thought it was strange. Maybe he got the wrong number. I haven't talked with him since I quitted at Fortuna Hjørring.
Brian became a part of FC Nordsjælland in december 2018 and talked about their women's football:
“Do you want to join?”
“Ah, I don’t think so.”
But Brian was really good at convincing people. I said to him that I wanted some time to think about it.
When I finished the phone call, I called my father and said: Well I don’t know what I should say about this.
So during Christmas and New Year I considered it.
“You have to listen to yourself. And find a balance”
I accepted.
Not because of Brian. I wanted it too.
The thing that motivated me was being a part of the journey of FC Nordsjælland. I wanted to promote women's football and they were working with an awesome project.
It sounded like a cool setup with very good facilities around Right to Dream Park. We had the possibility to train in the stadium, using the hotel and having evening meals together.
Even at that time I thought it was the team on the women's site with the best facilities and opportunities.
We had a goal for how the season should end. The ambition was to get promoted to the best women's league of the country.
That succeeded in the 2019-2020 session. The season after we won the cup trophy and got bronze medals in Gjensidige Kvindeliga, the national league.
If it wasn’t for Brian I probably would not have started again. I am from the northern part of Jutland, so I think I need that familiarity to give me peace of mind.
Every day I have the thought that I still need to enjoy football. I don’t want to end up in the same place as I was.
At the moment I'm a trainee at Novo Nordisk and studying a single course at a business college. It is 37 hours a week. And then I have football on top.
It is strenuous. But I feel that it is fun playing football now. It is like a refuge.
The most important thing is that it’s my own choice and on my own terms.
There is something behind the football player.
When you are on the field, it will either look simple or frustrating. Often it is because you are fighting with something. There are a lot of reasons why you do as you do.
Definitely I think I am my best version of myself, when I do what I love. There are so many feelings, which will be reflected on the field.
I was a very bad version of myself, when I stopped. When you are under pressure and sad, the bad sides of you start to peep out.
It can be difficult, especially when you are 17-18 years old to say: Now I quit what I have done all my entire life.
But I will never regret that I stopped. It was worth it.
After all, I came back.
When I achieved peace and tranquility in my life, everything was good. Sometimes you feel that football controls everything. Because it takes so much of your time and energy.
Therefore it was crucial for me that I turned it in a way, where I did what I wanted to do. Not because of anything else.
You have to listen to yourself. And find a balance.
A balance between the two worlds.
Amalie Vangsgaard